Author: Ali April 8, 2020

The idea was right. My son's 25th birthday - 'a quarter of a century!' as he tells people. And we can't have a regular hands-on, everyone gets a bit of cake, toast the host kind of party, so let's get together virtually.

M (by email): Hello everyone. As you know it's my birthday coming up so I'd like everyone to join a Zoom Party on Wednesday evening.

Aunty R (WhatsApp): Great idea!

Uncle N (WhatsApp): Zoom is malware (attaches file of Guardian article)

Grandma (WhatsApp): I can't find the Zoom icon. By the way, can anyone tell me how to do streaming?

Dad (actual talking on a phone): Hi there, so what time is this thing tomorrow?

Aunty M (text): It'd be great to join your party. Waiting for you to send the link.

Granny and Grandad (Skype): What are you on about, Matt?

Aunty H (WhatsApp): Yes, we'll be there.

G and S (Messenger): Yes but can we do it on Saturday?

Uncle D: Why do Zoom when you can do Google Duo?

Aunty H: Oh we don't want to do that, let's stick to WhatsApp.

Grandma: I can't find my Google password.

Dad (text): Can we do Skype?

Me (messaging whilst on work call): Ah mine is Skype for Business, not the same thing. Aren't we all on Microsoft Teams now?

Colleague S: Help, I can't join, I'm stuck in the lobby. (S has joined the conversation. S has left the conversation. S has joined the conversation...repeat)

Colleague T: (sound of chewing peanuts whilst heavy breathing)

All: GO ON MUTE!